Well Said

All lives end.
All hearts are broken.
Caring is not an advantage.

~Sherlock

Don’t Forget to Remember Me…

Nothing Else Matters

and what if it did…

I am angry these days.Some days I feel that anger is almost overtaking the depression and empty feeling I have most days now. I’m angry at home. I’m angry that I’m not allowed to say anything to the person that yells and screams and bitches about others when they themselves do absolutely nothing. I’m angry that nobody listens here also.

At work I’m angry that in addition to doing my job running the snack shop that I also have to take care of the janitorial crew, because heaven knows we wouldn’t want to interrupt all the puzzle putting together that is going on these days. Everybody else got to bitch and whine their way out of the fucking job so why not me? It’s improved a little since there has been an understanding that one certain person doesn’t have to call me about EVERY FUCKING little thing every 30 FUCKING seconds, but I still have to put up with one of the consumers who won’t listen to a fucking theing I say or even let me finish a fucking sentence.

Also on the work front, I’m soooo fucking sorry that I didn’t put in  a request four weeks in advance asking to leave fifteen minutes early for an appointment my mother asked if I could take her to at 4:30 PM the previous afternoon. In the future I will try to be precognizant and adhere to the fucking policy on leave requests. I guess since unlike others that abuse the policy and make up my time I can understand why you would be put out that I needed to ask for this on short notice.

I guess i’m angry about my relationship status too although I’m not sure if it’s anger or just flat out depression and confusion. Nothing ever goes beyond just being friends and ya know what? After awhile that really begins to hurt. I have to realize that true to the old saying :”it’s me not you.” It’s my fault and I don’t know what to do to fix it..

FML

Had plans to go to the zoo with D the guy I work with on Sat. his girlfriend,MK, my friend Angie that works with D’s girlfriend and Angie’s little girl. D had been in a great mood all morning joking and having a good time while we waited for the girls to get a hold of us to go.

When we got the call D said no. I asked him why and he just shook his head. So I called Angie and let her know we weren’t going and to have a good time.

Later while D lets me have it saying it was my fault for not giving him the option to take his PRN med that he was THINKING about taking..WTF!!!! He hadn’t been mad or shown any agression or anything that would indicate that he needed the PRN. He had been extremely polite and helpful all morning.

So we stayed in all day while he stood in his room listening to thrash metal and Lynrd Skynrd.

I was really looking forward to going to the zoo and hanging out with Angie and her little girl. I love hanging out with them and after the week I’ve had,I needed some fun time,especially hanging out with Angie. It’s basically the only time I get to hang out and enjoy life while being able to get away from stuff these days. My one brief moment of time to just have fun.

Hope

I had hope one time, foolishly I believed it.

I was given hope a while ago, foolishly I took it.

Things were once OK and I’ve been told that someday they will be again. When once again some sort of equilibrium returns I have to remember not to hope because that really messes me up.

Getting Help

First therapy appt. today. Went pretty well as far as firsts go. Felt somewhat better throughout the day but now feeling completely empty and devoid of any kind of purpose or joy.

A long way to go still…

Unknown

I just don’t know anymore. Nothing to look forward to. No hope for anything. No joy in things or activities.

I put on the mask and go through the motions so no one else knows yet hoping every second someone notices and can help me save myself from the darkness that is eating me.

My Own Worst Enemy

Everyday I fight a war against the mirror
I can’t take the person starin’ back at me
I’m a hazard to myself

I wanna be somebody else, yeah

~ Pink- Don’t Let Me Get Me

Out

I want out. I NEED out.

Maybe…

I think I’m doing this right…